Lou Carter - The Pig Wit' The Apple In His Mout'

Lou Carter - Lost Elbows

April in Peoria

Whattsa Matter Wit Me

I Caught a Cold in My Heart

Lou Carter - If I Had A Nose Full Of Nickels

Rose Between my Toes

  I got a rose between my toes

from walkin' barefoot tru the hothouse to you
pretty baby

I got a t'orn right near my corn
from walkin' barefoot tru the hothouse to you

And when I fell into the tomatoes
I seen her heart skip a beat

I knew that love was born
when she pulled the t'orn
of the flower out of my feet

I didn't even feel no pain
because there wasn't any rain in the sky
pretty baby

I didn't need no iodine
because the sun began to shine upon me

For now my feet feel glad and gay
ever since that lucky day
I got a rose between my toes
from walkin' barefoot tru the hothouse to you

(musical interlude)

I didn't even feel no pain
because there wasn't any rain in the sky
pretty baby

I didn't need no iodine
because the sun began to shine upon me

For now my feet feel glad and gay
ever since that lucky day
I got a rose between my toes
from walkin' barefoot tru the hothouse to you

Nose full of Nickels

 

One day me and Mich was talkin’

About how fast our money goes.

She said I would be a rich man

If lots of nickels filled my nose.

As understandin’ as we were,

This here I explained to her:

If I had a nose full of nickels. 

I know just what I would do

I would give them to folks

Who were havin’ hard times.

I know that would bring me a heart full of dimes.

I would spend all the dimes on streetcars

To take poor kids to the zoo.

That would leave me with one streetcar token

Yes, my heart would be broke but not broken

Like I said to Mich, I would always be rich

With a nose full of nickels and you.

Like I said to Mich, if you’re poor and not rich

I would sneeze all my nickels at you!

Cause if I had a nose full of nickels

I’d sneeze them all at you! 

The Pope from the Vatican Bureau insert for NoEyeWitnessNews on Wise Guys Live

The Vatican Bureau The Pope

THE POPE 1 In Rome a woman from Weight Watchers was caught shoplifting cupcakes from Angelo’s bakery. When the carabinieri arrived they looked in her purse, not only did they find the cupcakes, but four cannoli's, three biscotti and a loaf of focaccia bread. Back to you in the studio.

THE POPE 2 In Florence Italy a student electrocuted his nipples and is suing his teacher for not warning him it was dangerous. Back to you in the studio.

THE POPE 3 My advice about marriage is divorce is painful, save yourself lot’s of trouble, find a woman you hate and buy her a car and a house and that ends your problems. Back to you in the studio.

THE POPE 4 You know if it weren’t for divorce, coffee shops in Italy wouldn’t have waitresses. Back to you in the studio.

THE POPE 5 Italian philosophers in the 1500’s offered this advice about marriage. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Back to you in the studio.

THE POPE 6 A new study in Italy by the University of Bologna asked 10 women and 10 men if marriage was a wonderful institution. Everyone agreed except Guido Romano, Guido said who wants to live in an institution? Back to you in the studio.

THE POPE 7 Rose Fiorito sent her husband Gino to the bakery for a loaf of bread. He was gone for 2 years. She searched everywhere, she finally tracked him down in another city. Without knocking on the door, she burst into the apartment and found Gino with another woman. Rose was upset, she asked him how did this start. Gino answered , Come on Rose, the bakery ws out of bread! Back to you in the studio.

THE POPE 8 German researcher have concluded that 29 per cent of all Italians above the age of 16 have no clue about anything. The average of people in Europe who have no clue is 14 per cent. The study says that 22 per cent of men and 36 per cent of woman are clueless. Italian Minister of Education Guido Calucchi, openly doubts the numbers. He said “ every country in the world have people that have no clue. Back to you in the studio.

THE POPE 9 Tony’s Flying Pizza Chain has opened 20 stores in Rome. The Flying Pizza’s arrived in the Sistene Chapel last night just in time for dinner. The mozeralla cheese looked like wings from angels as they flew onto our dining room table. It was a miracle. Back to you in the studio. Back to you in the studio.

THE POPE 10 A sociologist from the United States is in Italy studying Italian lovers. While driving to Rome she passed a man in black pants an a plain white shirt working in as vinyard. She stopped and asked the man about his sex life. He said “I have sex maybe 15 times every year.” The sociologist said “that’s not too much,” the man said “what do you expect from a priest without a car!”Back to you in the studio.

11 THE POPE Naples Police arrested 54 year old Giuseppe Malatesta, outside a local bank after he used a demand note written on the back of his own birth certificate or as we say here at the Vatican Malatesta had a geranium instead of a cranium. Police interviewed his wife about the bank robbery and she concurred she said Giuseppe’s always been a few fries short of a Happy Meal. Back to you in the studio.

12 THE POPE Sicily’s worst air disaster happened this morning when a small two engine airplane with 2 aboard crashed into a Palermo cemetery. Rescue workers recovered more than 18 hundred missing bodies and expect that number to climb as digging continues. Back to you in the studio.

Montiforte "Man from India."

WISE GUYS COOKING MIKE COLONNA 714-747-5670 An Indian from India

DISALVO Hand gestures are very important when you speak. My wife’s gestures remind me of a traffic cop moving vehicles at a busy intersection in Chicago. That’s why we’ve invited Frank “Mr. Manners” Montiforte to explain the Art of Speaking and communicating. Let’s welcome Frank Montiforte. MONITIFORTE That was a great introduction Frank, I an exceptionally welcome by Mr, Capeloto. CAPELOTO Thanks for thinking of me. MONITIFORTE I’m honored to be among two of my favorite people. DISALVO Let’s talk about some of your experiences with people talking for starters. MONITIFORTE You know Frank I’ve been a successful realtor for years. I’ve me people from every walk of life. DISALVO You have favorites I’m sure. MONITIFORTE We’re always on our toes when using simple gestures and facial expressions when we want to impress future customers. DISALVO Absolutely. MONITIFORTE You always have to respond in a positive way to make your customers relaxed and ready to sign on the dotted line. DISALVO That’s a given Frank. MONITIFORTE My last client was a little old gentlemen from India. You know the difference from an American Indian and a Indian Indian.

More to follow.

Montiforte "Big Cheese."

Wise Guys Cooking FRANKIE “BIG CHEESE” MONTIFORTE By Mike Colonna

DISALVO Let’s welcome Frankie “The Big Cheese” Montiforte. MONTIFORTE May the Cheese be with you. DISALVO You know Frank you smell like a Cesars Salad. MONTIFORTE It must be my new Parmigiano cologne. This cologne is made with the finest ingredients. DISALVO For the folks out there that don’t know Frank, he’s a world famous invertor. Now he’s invented a new cheese formula. MONTIFORTE This formula will change the way we look at climate change.

DISALVO Can you share the ingredients? MONTIFORTE If you tell anyone I’ll have to kill you. DiSalvo un-earved with Montiforte’s smell. DISALVO Count on me, I won’t say a word.

MONTIFORTE You may not know this but the main ingredients used in cologne are water, alcohol and fragrance. My testers being with “cutting the cheese.” DISALVO Cutting the cheese? MONTIFORTE After thay all cut the cheese, DISALVO Wait a minute, are you in the same room when they all cut the cheese? MONTIFORTE Sometimes I walk in, and after they cut the cheese I head for the nearest door.

DISALVO I see. MONTIFORTE They take the cheese they just cut, put it in large test tubes, it swirls around like a DNA test, and you can smell which technician “cut the best cheese. It’s amazing how they do this without leaving the room. DISALVO Why would they have to leave the room. MONTIFORTE To insure that this mixture of liquified cheese is kept top secret, we never divulge which technician cut the cheese. So we all cut the cheese at the same exact moment. DISALVO That cut the cheese formula could be climate changer. MONTIFORTE The only folks that are skeptics are farmers. We’re trying to figure out how cows can create one of our colognes when they cut the cheese.

"Wise Guys Basement Open"

Pomponio/Montiforte"Forgetting"

WISE GUYS COOKING POMPONIO FORGETTING Mike Colonna 714-747-5670

DISALVO Let’s welcome our band leader our friend and yours, Tony Pomponio. POMPONIO Frank It’s good to see you again. I’m glad I remembered your name. Lately I’ve had a lot of problems. DISALVO What kind of problems? POMPONIO I’m forgetting everything. It’s getting to the point I know in advance what I’ll forget. DISALVO I know what you mean. POMPONIO What’s your name again. DISALVO Frank. If that doesn’t work just call be “you know.” POMPONIO I was at a party I don’t know when and I introduced my wife of 42 years to a friend. I forgot her name.

DISALVO Not good. POMPONIO It seems to happen lately at all of the parties I go to. When I introduce myself the other night I said hi, I’m I’m you’ll have to forgive me I forgot. I’m terrible with names. DISALVO Our memories aren’t what they used to be. POMPONIO It’s so bad, yesterday I forgot why I walked into the bathroom. DISALVO That is not a good thing. POMPONIO It’s not forgetting things completely that bothers me, it’s remembering that I’ve forgotten to remember something that I forgot. DISALVO How’s your wife putting up with you? POMPONIO I don’t know, last week it was our anniversary, the only way I remembered is when my wife through a bag of rice on my head.

DISALVO That’s bad. POMPONIO Bad? Your telling me. My wife asked me about our marriage. She said if you had it to do all over again, would you? I said would I what. DISALVO I hope all is not lost. POMPONIO I was telling a joke the other day, I forgot why the two bears were in the woods. DISALVO Everyone knows why two bears went in the woods. POMPONIO I don’t remember why two bears were in the woods. DISALVO One good thing about losing your memory is you do get to meet knew people every day. POMPONIO You know I go to a memory class every week on Friday, or is it Tuesday, Frank I forgot.

DISALVO You look normal. POMPONIO I know Frank except for three things, names, faces and something else. I guess you could call me a psychic. DISALVO A psychic? POMPONIO I know in advance what I’ll forget. DISALVO Well help is on he way. It’s called a commercial. We’ll be right back.

Broken English Montiforte

WISE GUYS COOKING Mike/Rocco Colonna 714-747-5670 Written by Chuck Gabrielle and Mike Colonna Broken English Sketch

DISALVO Today we have a special Guest from a well known University that will teach us the art of how to interpret “Broken Italian to English. Welcome Professor Leonardo Malatesta. Professor Malatesta is wearing a black gown and a graduate tassel cap. MALATESTA Thank you Frank, Larry and you Frank (Montiforte). I’ma happy to be with Youz guys. That’s one of the words Italians from the East Coast use when addressing a bunch of people. DISALVO Youz guys, I remember that when we were kids. MALATESTA But Frank you have to point your finger at the pointee and emphasize the Youz. DISALVO Like this, “Youz” guys.

MONTIFORTE Frank like this, (Montiforte presses DiSalvo’s cheeks together and Frank mouth’s You’z. DISALVO YouuuuuZ MALATESTA Frank, another word that is mis pronounced is “Ax me a question.” DISALVO Larry and Frank Montiforte are guilty of that word. MALATESTA Let’s see you say “Ax Me” Montiforte. MONTIFORTE Why am I the guinea pig here. MALATESTA Now that’s another word that Italians are associated with. The word Guiniea. MONTIFORTE That’s not a very nice word. As you know one of the reasons Italians get, what you call a bad rap,” is the misuse of the English language.

MALATESTA After many years of frustration our University has created a class for those that want to learn about “broken English.” DISALVO What’s the class called? MALATESTA “Talk like Your Gumba.” DISALVO Talk like your Gumba?

MALATESTA You got a problem with dat Frank? DISALVO I was just “Aking,” I mean asking. MALATESTA One of the many misconceptions, (looking at Montiforte a teachable momment) is most Italians like Frank here, start of a sentence with the word “AH” MONTIFORTE “AH” you mean “Ah what’s da madda fo you.? MALATESTA You hit the linquini right on the head Frank. For instance “Ima no feeling to goodah today.” You see Ah is combined to make the Italians look like “shadrools.”

DISALVO Now that’s a tricky word. MONTIFORTE Funny, my mother, God bless her soul, instead of saying vegetables, she would say Ve Gi Tables. When I would get her mad, she would say, Frankie I’m gonna knock those marbles right outta you head. DISALVO Did She? MONTIFORTE Does it look like it. CAPELOTO Do you want an honest answer? DISALVO Thanks for jumping in Larry. My dad would always miss pronounce the word difficulty, he would say Di Fuk il ty. MALATESTA Let’s move on Frank. Another form of gretting an old friend is “Howz’a you face.” That’s a great question if you haven’t seen the person in a long time.

DISALVO What about sign language? MALATESTA If you’re Sicilian and want to insult someone you take your thumb, place in the roof of your mouth, and flick it forward. You can get into a lot of trouble if the other person takes it the wrong way. MONTIFORTE I did that once, I forgot I had a mouthful of minestrone soup. Boy was that a mess. MALATESTA This is a gesture that is very dangerous. You place the wide of your hand inside your mouth with clenched teeth to the fingers, which expresses anger. This gesture does not work very well with false teeth. Malatesta shows Montiforte the gesture. DiSalvo and Capeloto follow suit.

MONTIFORTE I saw a guy do that once and got so mad he bit off two fingers. MALATESTA There’s a few others, like placing the back of your hand under your chin (showing the gesture) which means go forth and multiply. DISALVO Well thank you professor we’ve learned a lot, Your name is very familiar what does it mean. MALATESTA I’ve got a headache! Thanks for having me on your show. DISALVO We’ll be back so stick around.

Frank Montiforte Aunt Bella's Attic Wise Guys Cooking Written by Mike Colonna

Open Frank DiSalvo Let’s welcome Frank Montiforte. Montiforte I’ve been really busy this year looking up my family tree. DiSalvo That sounds interesting. Montiforte I was checking the attic for newspaper clippings, pictures And found one of my Aunt Bella Montiforte’s diaries. DiSalvo I’m afraid to ask.

Montiforte No Frank, she was a very clever lady. She offered advice About cooking, dressing and just life in general. For instance cooking, she was way ahead of her time, You see all these diet commercials on TV telling you what you Eat and what you shouldn’t eat. Her definition of a “Balanced Diet,” Was hold a cupcake i each hand.

She was ahead of her time, she alway’s wondered “if you’re not Supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the Refrigerator. She once said “I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me A new hairstyle every morning. She was a wise woman, I remember Her telling us when we were kids, Frankie, “Don’t worry if Plan A fails, There’s 24 more letters in the alphabet.

She would always got on my uncle Alfred, Alfred you are one lazy man, my uncle would say, I’m not lazy leave me alone, I’m just very relaxed. Uncle Al would tell her “doing nothing is very hard, you never When you’re done. I could just go on and on, My favorite was “Life is short, smile While you still have your teeth. My aunt she was a very funny Woman. DiSalvo What else have you been doing?

Montiforte Well, I just got back from a pleasure trip, I took my Mother-n- law to the airport. I’ve been spending lot’s of time with my kids. DiSalvo How about your wife. Montiforte I don’t know what it is between me and wives. You either Out live them or they divorce you. DiSalvo What’s your wife’s name? Montiforte It’s either Shirley or Maddy? I can’t keep track. You know I’ve suspected for some time that my Wife’s been cheating on me. The usual signs, The phone rings, if I answer, the person hangs up. DiSalvo You have to trust her Frank.

Montiforte Well she goes out with the “Girls” a lot. I asked her what Names were, she said “just some girls from my bridge Club,” You don’t know them. So one night I couldn’t sleep and waited for her to Come home, around midnight, I decided to hide in the Garage behind my golf clubs so I could see the whole Street when she arrived home with the “so called girls.” DiSalvo So you hid behind your’e golf clubs, What happened?

Montiforte Ok so I’m hiding behind my golf clubs, and I notice that The graphite shaft on my driver was cracked right near the the club head DiSavlo So you found a crack in your Graphite Shaft. Did you Catch your wife with another man? What was your First thought did you catch the guy. Montiforte My first thought was can I fix the shaft myself or should I take it back to the golf shop where I bought it. DiSalvo We’ll be right back.

Wise Guys Cooking FRANKIE “BIG CHEESE” MONTIFORTE By Mike Colonna

DISALVO Let’s welcome Frankie “The Big Cheese” Montiforte. MONTIFORTE May the Cheese be with you. DISALVO You know Frank you smell like a Cesars Salad. MONTIFORTE It must be my new Parmigiano cologne. This cologne is made with the finest ingredients. DISALVO For the folks out there that don’t know Frank, he’s a world famous invertor. Now he’s invented a new cheese formula. MONTIFORTE This formula will change the way we look at climate change.

DISALVO Can you share the ingredients? MONTIFORTE If you tell anyone I’ll have to kill you. DiSalvo un-earved with Montiforte’s smell. DISALVO Count on me, I won’t say a word.

MONTIFORTE You may not know this but the main ingredients used in cologne are water, alcohol and fragrance. My testers being with “cutting the cheese.” DISALVO Cutting the cheese? MONTIFORTE After thay all cut the cheese, DISALVO Wait a minute, are you in the same room when they all cut the cheese? MONTIFORTE Sometimes I walk in, and after they cut the cheese I head for the nearest door.

DISALVO I see. MONTIFORTE They take the cheese they just cut, put it in large test tubes, it swirls around like a DNA test, and you can smell which technician “cut the best cheese. It’s amazing how they do this without leaving the room. DISALVO Why would they have to leave the room. MONTIFORTE To insure that this mixture of liquified cheese is kept top secret, we never divulge which technician cut the cheese. So we all cut the cheese at the same exact moment. DISALVO That cut the cheese formula could be climate changer. MONTIFORTE The only folks that are skeptics are farmers. We’re trying to figure out how cows can create one of our colognes when they cut the cheese.

Wise Guys Cooking By Mike Colonna Frank Montiforte Classic Colognes

We're glad to see our favorite inventor is back with us today. Let's hear it for Frank "The Inventor" Montiforte. Frank Montiforte DiSalvo Your colognes, poweders and sprays are taking the country by storm. Tell us about them. MONTIFORTE We have hair cream, face cream, underarm roll on, we’ve even experimented with a cheese powder you can sprinkle in your shoes. DISALVO A face cream. MONTIFORTE I’ve got some right here Frank. You rub it on and you immediately have a craving for a bowl of meatballs and spaghetti. DISALVO Sounds like a win win situation Frank. MONTIFORTE Just think Frank when you put your arm around your loved one, the odor sends her to the kitchen to cook up your favorite dish.

DISALVO How’s SAy our shaving cream formula coming along. MONTIFORTE You’re gonna love it Frank. It’s got a mozzerella smell to it. The ladies are going fall in love when you shave with this creamy shaving cream. You’re face is going to smell like a pepperoni pizza. DISALVO How can we order these hard to get colognes, underarm and these famous cheese creations you’ve invented. MONTIFORTE Got to our website. Who cut da cheese, That’s WhoCutDACheese. (spell it out) Our operators are standing by. DISALVO Thank you Frank, we’ll be right back.

FRANKIE “BIG CHEESE” MONTIFORTE Wise Guys Cooking Mike Colonna

DISALVO Let’s welcome Frankie “The Big Cheese” Montiforte. MONTIFORTE May the Cheese be with you. DISALVO You know Frank you smell like a Cesar Salad. MONTIFORTE It must be my new Parmigiano cologne. This cologne is made with the finest ingredients. DISALVO For the folks out there that don’t know Frank, he’s a world famous inventor. Now he’s invented a new cheese formula. MONTIFORTE This formula will change the way we look at climate change. DISALVO Can you share the ingredients?

MONTIFORTE If you tell anyone, I’ll have to kill you. DiSalvo un-earved with Montiforte’s smell. DISALVO Count on me, I won’t say a word. MONTIFORTE You may not know this but the main ingredients used in cologne are water, alcohol and fragrance. My technicians are great at “cutting the cheese.” DISALVO Cutting the cheese? MONTIFORTE After they all cut the cheese, DISALVO Wait a minute, are you in the same room when they all cut the cheese? MONTIFORTE Sometimes I walk in, and after they cut the cheese I head for the nearest door.

DISALVO I see. MONTIFORTE They take the cut cheese put it in large test tubes, it swirls around like a DNA test, and you can smell which technician “cut the best cheese. It’s amazing how they do this without leaving the room. DISALVO Why would they have to leave the room. MONTIFORTE To insure that this mixture of liquid and cheese are kept top secret, we never divulge which technician cut the cheese. So we all cut the cheese at the same exact moment. DISALVO That cut the cheese formula could be climate changer. MONTIFORTE The only folks that are skeptics are farmers. We’re trying to figure out how cows can create one of our colognes when they cut the cheese.

DISALVO What else has your cologne company invented. MONTIFORTE We have hair cream, face cream, underarm roll on, we’ve even experimented with a cheese powder you can sprinkle in your shoes. DISALVO A face cream. MONTIFORTE I’ve got some right here Frank. You rub it on and you immediately have a craving for a bowl of meatballs and spaghetti. DISALVO Sounds like a win win situation Frank. MONTIFORTE Just think Frank when you put your arm around your loved one, the odor sends her to the kitchen to cook up your favorite dish.

DISALVO How’s your shaving cream formula coming along. MONTIFORTE You’re gonna love it Frank. It’s got a mozzerella smell to it. The ladies are going fall in love when you shave with this creamy shaving cream. You’re face is going to smell like a pepperoni pizza. DISALVO You mentioned saving the climate, how's that "Cologne" working out? MONOTIFORTE Frank you have to credit our testers, we're testing a new cologned called "Cowlogne" DISALVO That's an interesting name. We want you to have your own space, if you're not happy being around people, you spray a little "Cowlonge" under your chin, people smell that odor of a heard of cows, they don not want anything to do with you, the only side effect, and we're working on this Frank, when you spray "Cowlogne" under under your chin, you immedatley head for the referator for a glass of milk. DISALVO Wow, I hope you take care of that problem. How can we order these hard to get colognes, underarm and these famous cheese creations you’ve invented. MONTIFORTE Got to our website. Who cut da cheese dot com, That’s WhoCutDACheese dot com. (spell it out) Our operators are standing by. DISALVO Thank you Frank, we’ll be right back.

WISE GUYS COOKING BROKEN ENGLISH MIKE COLONNA 747-5670

DISALVO Our special guest today Michael Frank "The Mouth" Montiforte, a world renown wordsmith will teach us the “Art of Broken English.” Let’s welcome Michael Frank "The Mouth" Montiforte. FRANK "THE MOUTH" MONTIFORTE Thank You Frank and Larry, I’m happy to be with “Youz” guys today. Youz is a colloquial word that has taken off since the Statue of Liberty welcomed Italians from the old country. DISALVO Youz guys. We used that a lot when we were kids. Youz guys, it has a flow about it. FRANK "THE MOUTH" MONTIFORTE Frank and Larry another word used in parts of neighborhoods in and around cities like New York and Chicago is “Ax Me.” DISALVO I’ve noticed when some receptionists answers the phone the say “shall I Ax who’s calling.” FRANK "THE MOUTH" MONTIFORTE I’m afraid Frank that’s true. But most folks from the old country had picked up works that don’t make sense today. DISALVO How’s that? FRANK "THE MOUTH" MONTIFORTE For instance, Italians use lot’s of sign language. If you’re Sicilian and want to insult someone you take your thumb, place it in the roof of your mouth and flick it forward.

DISALVO That’s dangerous. FRANK "THE MOUTH" MONTIFORTE Dangerous? That expression is history. You could lose your upper bridge if you had a set of false teeth. DISALVO Not a pretty site. FRANK "THE MOUTH" MONTIFORTE I’ve seen it happen. An old friend of mine got into an argument with his wife and forgot his upper bridge was lose, made this hand gesture and his teeth flew into his wife’s spaghetti and meatballs. DISALVO What happened after that. FRANK "THE MOUTH" MONTIFORTE The bridge bit into his wife’s homemade meatballs, and pasta sauce flew all over the kitchen table. DiSalvo We'll be right back!

DISALVO Any other gestures that won’t get us sick to our stomach? FRANK "THE MOUTH" MONTIFORTE Another very dangerous gesture has danger written all over it. You take the wide of the hand, place it inside the mouth with clenched teeth. DISALVO Show us. FRANK "THE MOUTH" MONTIFORTE Here again if you’re really upset with someone and remove your hand from your clenched upper and lower false teeth, they’ll fly out of your mouth. I saw a man argue with his buddy, he forgot that Polyglue stuff, his teeth shot out of his mouth and wound up clenching his friends nose. DISALVO Not a pretty site. FRANK "THE MOUTH" MONTIFORTE Another popular hand expression is placing the back of your hand under your chin and quickly moving it forward, like this. Which means “go forth and multiply.” DISALVO Lot’s of history behind that move.

FRANK "THE MOUTH" MONTIFORTE As a matter of fact Frank, I was in the middle of a conversation with a little old man from India. I noticed he was chewing on some little Indian nuts. DISALVO Indian Nuts. FRANK "THE MOUTH" MONTIFORTE There about the size of an almond. He was chewing away, and he went to make a point, Frank, my mouth was slightly open, and would you believe it, one small chopped nut flew right into my mouth. DISALVO Then what. FRANK "THE MOUTH" MONTIFORTE I showed respect to the little old Indian man, I stopped breathing for a little over one minute. I was starting to turn blue. The nut was stuck in my throat. I was making a funny little sound, like this since I couldn’t get the nut unstuck, I finally excused my self went the bathroom and proceeded to lose my lunch, you know what it’s called, DISALVO We don’t need to know. Thanks I’ll think I’ll pass on lunch. Hope to see you soon. DISALVO (CONT’D) Let’s hear it for Frank "The Mouth" Montiforte.

WISE GUYS COOKING Mike Colonna 714-747-5670 Frank Montiforte Private Eye

DISALVO Our next guest has broken open hundreds of cases and was awarded the coveted “I’m watching you,” Private Investigator award 10 years ago. Let’s welcome Frank Montiforte “Private Eye.” MONTI Thanks Frank, I couldn’t have said it better. DISALVO Are you still keeping an eye out for crime? MONTI I’ve been retired for a few years now but I still keep an eye out for mischief and mayhem. DISALVO How did you know it was time to retire. MONTI One way I knew it was time to retire was when my me and my teeth no longer slept together. DISALVO Very interesting.

MONTI I know older Private Eyes in the Business that still don’t know when it’s time. DISALVO How could they tell there time is up? MONTI One way is when the end of their tie doesn’t come close to coming anywhere near the top of their pants. DISALVO Guess they should buy longer ties. MONTI I noticed it was time to retire when the names in my little black book were mostly doctors. I knew it was time when my ears had more hair than the top of my head. DISALVO How did you get into becoming a Private Eye.

MONTI Well, to tell you the truth, when I went undercover and found my wife with another man at the “No Tell Motel.” She said he was selling vacuum cleaners or was encyclopedias. DISALVO You have to watch those traveling salesmen. MONTI That’s when I knew I was born to be a Private Eye. DISALVO Tell us about some famous cases you were involved in. MONTI One of my more famous cases was the “Dentist Caper.” A husband that hired me wanted to follow his wife around. She often visited her Dentist, he was a handsome fellow, and she was having an ongoing affair after dentist hours. I quickly discovered it was serious enough to tell her husband. DISALVO What evidence did you have? MONTI The Dentist finally ended the relationship even though she wanted it to continue. DISALVO Did her husband suspect anything? MONTI She told her dentist he didn’t suspect a thing. Not True. DISALVO Well? MONTI I interviewed the Dentist after I exposed their relationship. I asked him why did he break it off? DISALVO Yea? MONTI He said, I had to, she was down to one tooth. DISALVO Congratulations on breaking that case. We’ll have you back some time in the near future. We’ll be right back.

Frank Montiforte Aunt Bella Wise Guys Cooking Written by Mike Colonna

Open Frank DiSalvo Let’s welcome Frank Montiforte. Montiforte I’ve been really busy this year looking up my family tree. DiSalvo That sounds interesting. Montiforte I was checking the attic for newspaper clippings, pictures And found one of my Aunt Bella Montiforte’s diaries. DiSalvo I’m afraid to ask.

Montiforte No Frank, she was a very clever lady. She offered advice About cooking, dressing and just life in general. For instance cooking, she was way ahead of her time, You see all these diet commercials on TV telling you what you Eat and what you shouldn’t eat. Her definition of a “Balanced Diet,” Was hold a cupcake i each hand. She was ahead of her time, she alway’s wondered “if you’re not Supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the Refrigerator. She once said “I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me A new hairstyle every morning. She was a wise woman, I remember Her telling us when we were kids, Frankie, “Don’t worry if Plan A fails, There’s 24 more letters in the alphabet. She would always got on my uncle Alfred, Alfred you are one lazy man, my uncle would say, I’m not lazy leave me alone, I’m just very relaxed. Uncle Al would tell her “doing nothing is very hard, you never When you’re done. I could just go on and on, My favorite was “Life is short, smile While you still have your teeth. My aunt she was a very funny Woman.

DiSalvo What else have you been doing? Montiforte Well, I just got back from a pleasure trip, I took my Mother-n- law to the airport. I’ve been spending lot’s of time with my kids. DiSalvo How about your wife. Montiforte I don’t know what it is between me and wives. You either Out live them or they divorce you. DiSalvo What’s your wife’s name? Montiforte It’s either Shirley or Maddy? I can’t keep track. You know I’ve suspected for some time that my Wife’s been cheating on me. The usual signs, The phone rings, if I answer, the person hangs up. DiSalvo You have to trust her Frank.

Montiforte Well she goes out with the “Girls” a lot. I asked her what Names were, she said “just some girls from my bridge Club,” You don’t know them. So one night I couldn’t sleep and waited for her to Come home, around midnight, I decided to hide in the Garage behind my golf clubs so I could see the whole Street when she arrived home with the “so called girls.” DiSalvo So you hid behind your’e golf clubs, What happened? Montiforte Ok so I’m hiding behind my golf clubs, and I notice that The graphite shaft on my driver was cracked right near the the club head DiSavlo So you found a crack in your Graphite Shaft. Did you Catch your wife with another man? What was your First thought did you catch the guy. Montiforte My first thought was can I fix the shaft myself or should I take it back to the golf shop where I bought it. DiSalvo We’ll be right back.

WISE GUYS COOKING Mike Colonna 714-747-5670 What’s his name?

DISALVO Let’s welcome the Alternative World of famous Italian linguist Frank I’ll never forget What’s her name” Montiforte. FRANK Thanks I appreciate you having me on. I’m drawing a blank. What’s your name? DISALVO Just call me You-know- who. And my partner You know who. FRANK I’m glad we got that straitened out. You know I was just thinking of “Whatchamacallit?” DISALVO Whatchamacallit? FRANK Whatever. I always have a problem with, you “what’s his name.” (Looking at Larry) DISALVO You’ve met him many times. FRANK His wife who will remain nameless, calls him that “so and so.” DISALVO You mean “what’s her name?” FRANK Let’s just call her Jane Doe for now. DISALVO Jane Doe? FRANK

SHRINK MICHAEL DEES AND THE POPE

DEES Hey Ava, please send in my next patient. Hi Frank. What troubles you today. My record here indicates you have illusions that you’re the Pope. POPE Thank you (he gives Dees his blessing, returns the blessing with a fist pump.) You know Doc before I leave for the Vatican I have to get something off my chest. DEES Well, why don’t your start from the beginning.

POPE Okay, In the beginning I created the heavens and the earth. DEES You created the heavens and the earth? POPE Sometimes I think I’m God then I think I’m the Pope. I think I’ve got a split personality. DEES A split personality? POPE When I go to a restaurant by myself, I ask for separate checks. DEES Your’e a very popular Pope. POPE I know. My sermon at the Vatican before I left was very uplifting. It was so good I got a kneeling ovation. DEES How was your flight over from The Vatican? POPE To tell you the truth the flight over was very shaky, somebody from the back of the plane yelled you’re the Pope, do something religious, so I took up a collection. DEES Why are you really here, I want to help. POPE HONESTLY, I WANT TO START DATING AGAIN. DEES But you’re the Pope. POPE I know, but I’ve been thinking about retiring lately. DEES You know dating leads to marriage. Why would you want to get married? POPE That’s one way to know what hell is really like. DEES Never thought about it that way.

POPE Are their older ladies looking for ex Popes? There’s gotta be some women that are younger than my dentures. DEES Are you sure you want to do this? POPE Do you think it’s to late for me to start looking. DEES I have to look into how ex- Popes left their chosen professions and remarried. Do you know of any? POPE I know one retired 90 year old Pope, that started dating, finally got married to a woman the same age. They spent their honeymoon trying to get out of the car. DEES We’ll you look like you’ve been working out and staying in shape. There could be hope. POPE I try to stay in shape, at my age weight lifting means standing up. DEES You have to stay in shape, my recommendation is to walk as often as possible, if you ever needed a transplant or any type of replacement, I’m afraid they don’t make your parts anymore. POPE You know I’m so old I can remember that the Dead Sea wasn’t dead it was only sick. DEES How do you look at old age. POPE Well old age means you’ve come a long way, baby and you just run out of gas. DEES It’s a different world out their Pope. If you plan to leave the clergy at your age you better be prepared to make sure you’re able to, you know, take care of a woman’s needs. POPE We’ll a plan on making love almost every day- almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday.

DEES Well it’s time wrap this up. Before you leave, I have a cat that just passed away. POPE Cat’s? I don’t think so. DEES This cat was very special. Do you know of any churches in the area. POPE The only church I think that can bury a cat is the Methodist church down the street. DEES Question, I loved this cat, do I give the Methodist Priest the envelop with $5,000 dollars before or after the burial? POPE $5000? I can handle the burial I didn’t know the cat was Catholic. DEES We’ll talk. POPE Thank you Doc. Can’t wait to see you at the burial. DEES Thank you. (Pope leaves) Eva could you send in our next patient. CAPELOTO Hello doc, One day I think I’m Ed McMahon, the next day I’m Foster Brooks.

WISE GUYS COOKING MIKE COLONNA 714-747-5670 An Indian from India

DISALVO Hand gestures are very important when you speak. My wife’s gestures remind me of a traffic cop moving vehicles at a busy intersection in Chicago. That’s why we’ve invited Frank “Mr. Manners” Montiforte to explain the Art of Speaking and communicating. Let’s welcome Frank Montiforte. MONITIFORTE That was a great introduction Frank, I an exceptionally welcome by Mr, Capeloto. CAPELOTO Thanks for thinking of me. MONITIFORTE I’m honored to be among two of my favorite people. DISALVO Let’s talk about some of your experiences with people talking for starters. MONITIFORTE You know Frank I’ve been a successful realtor for years. I’ve me people from every walk of life. DISALVO You have favorites I’m sure. MONITIFORTE We’re always on our toes when using simple gestures and facial expressions when we want to impress future customers. DISALVO Absolutely. MONITIFORTE You always have to respond in a positive way to make your customers relaxed and ready to sign on the dotted line. DISALVO That’s a given Frank. MONITIFORTE My last client was a little old gentlemen from India. You know the difference from an American Indian and a Indian Indian.

MONTIFORTE THE FLORIST Wise Guys Cooking 2022 By Mike Colonna

DISALVO Let’s welcome Frank “The Florist” Montiforte. The word here in Chicago is Montiforte’s flower show is the headquarters for men in trouble with their wives and girlfriends, or both. Let’s hear it for our favorite florist Frank Montiforte. MONTIFORTE Great being with you, I’ve brought you and Larry and small token of my appreciation. CAPELOTO This smells like garlic. MONTIFORTE You guessed it, Larry, Garlic makes the heart grow fonder. You hang a piece of garlic around your neck and it will attract some of the most beautiful women in the world. DISALVO Or NOT! Tell us about your flower shop. MONTIFORTE We’ve developed quite a reputation. Flowers for all occasions. Out motto is “You’ll get more work if you don’t waste your time smelling the roses.” DISALVO Sounds like a great motto. MONTIFORTE I hold no preferences among flowers so long as they are wild, free like me. DISALVO Speaking of free, how many times have you been married? MONTIFORTE I love women Frank, what can I say, I’ve been married 7 times.

DISALVO Seven times? Oh my, your alimony payments must break the bank! MONTIFORTE My wives have always been understanding. If I pay them 60 days in advance they give me a 40% discount. DISALVO Sounds like a pretty good deal. MONTIFORTE The reason why my first wife left me was I demanded more fantasy in our relationship. DISALVO Yea? MONTIFORTE She bought me a season pass to Disneyland. My second wife was a gem, I told her we should make love more often. DISALVO What did she say.

MONTIFORTE I couldn’t hear her from the spare bedroom. DISALVO Ok, what about the rest? MONTIFORTE My third wife? I got home at 3:30 in the morning one night, and found her in bed with another man, She shouted, where have you been all night, I said who is this guy? She said don’t change the subject. DISALVO Your fourth wife? MONTIFORTE My fourth wife had so much plastic surgery, DISALVO Go ahead, MONTIFORTE She had her face lifted, her nose straightened, her legs shaped, her breasts enlarged, and she had the gall to tell me I wasn’t the same man she married. DISALVO What about the others? MONTIFORTE Number five, was a doozy. She was so ugly, I took her everywhere I went.

DISALVO Everywhere? MONTIFORTE It was better than kissing her goodbye. DISALVO We’re getting there. MONTIFORTE Well I knew my 6th wife did not want anything to do with me. On Valentine’s day she sent me a card addressed “To whom it may concern.” DISALVO Was she a good housewife? MONTIFORTE Nope, I knew she wasn’t for me. S One night she served me dinner on a Quiji Board. DISALVO A Quiji Board? MONTIFORTE The Quiji Board spelled out “There’s poison in your food.” I guess she got insulted one night, she told me she wanted to go some place I’ve never been, I said, “Try the kitchen!” DISALVO Let’s get back to the flowers. MONTIFORTE Frank I just got back from Italy, the flowers in Rome took my breath away. The grand canal in Venice was beautiful. And Florence, I bought her beautiful flowers, I was in love, again. DISALVO Florence? MONTIFORTE Yes beautiful Florence, she took me for One thousand dollars worth of traveler’s checks. DISALVO Thank’s Frank, for sharing your stories. We’ll be back.

WISE GUYS COOKING Toupees By Mike Colonna

Opening DISALVO We’re glad to have the inventor back again for a short visit. He may not be a “rocket scientitst” but we love him anyway. With no further ado, let’s welcome our favorite guet, Frank “The Inventor” Montiforte.” MONTIFORTE Thanks Frank, I’m happy to be here again. We’ve been inventing everything from electronic controlled toupees, to shoe lifts for short guys. DISALVO Electronic controlled toupees? MONTIFORTE Men that wear hairpieces, rugs, toups, wigs, extensions, they all fall under the toupee category. When your ready to get ready for bed you press this little gadget, the toupee fly’s off your head and onto our toupee “hanger.” This flying toupee seeks out a landing spot on our newly invented artificial head. DISALVO Sounds revolutionary. MONTIFORTE When you wake up in the morning, you press the “takeoff” button on an app you’ve downloaded on your phone, it tracks the toupee’s route back to your bald head, within seconds you have a full head of hair. The remote control on our app can also turn on the lights in your room, and connects with your security system so you feel safe sleeping sound in a safe environment. DISALVO You may be the Elon Musk of the toupee industry.

Wise Guys Cooking Old World Scents By Mike Colonna

MONTIFORTE We’re also creating a designer toilet paper. It’s a messy business but we decided to tackle in head on. DISALVO What do you call your new toilet paper brand. MONTIFORTE Frank, we’ve been experimenting with names, right now we’re looking calling it “skittle wipes.” Another name we’ve been toying with in “Nugget Huggies.” Which name do you and Larry prefer? DISALVO I like “Nugget Huggies.” LARRY I like “skittle wipes.” It reminds me of those little brown chocolate skittles.” DISALVO Have you come up with a jingle or motto for your new toilet paper? MONTIFORTE My favorite is “We’re number 1 in the number 2 business.” DISALVO That’s resonates. What do think Larry? MONTIFORTE We’re thinking of a few brand names that will turn the TP business on it’s head. I’m excited about the names we’re looking at. Brown Forest, or Miracle Wipes. DISALVO Frank congratulations folks will be looking forward to going to the bathroom.

MONTIFORTE We’re creating a toilet paper that is soft to the skin. Some of the old brans have that sandpaper feel. CAPELOTO Some of the rough toilet paper out there makes you feel like your spending time stripping furniture. MONTIFORTE No only that, but scents and textures are very important. Women love perfumes, men love colognes, we plan to change the way folks look at toilet paper. Different fragrances from around the world. DISALVO I like the way you think. MONTIFORTE Some folks prefer lighting candles for their bathroom visits, lighting a match as it were, others use incense, I tell you boys you’re gonna love our fragrances.” DISALVO You’re keeping us in suspense. Let’s see what you’ve got.

MONTIFORTE Now remember these scents are “old world scents.” Monti pulls out four to five different rolls of toilet paper. MONTIFORTE We have scent from every old country. Let’s start with Spain, if you smell this roll, it will take you back to the bullfights. The smell of an outdoor bull ring. DISALVO Bullfights? Frank and Larry smell the the paper rolls. CAPELOTO This one has a French smell. MONTIFORTE We call it the “ode de Paris,” it smells like escargot and garlic. DISALVO Your right.

MONTIFORTE Now try this Frank, this scent will take you back to Rome. Our Italian scent, smells like a cannoli. CAPELOTO It does smell like a cannoli. MONTIFORTE Italians are known for their fish, we have a bun roll that smell like calamari, another smell like anchovies. DISALVO It’s nice to have an Italian touch to your toilet paper rolls.

MONTIFORTE Our German bathroom rolls have a Germanic, scent. Brockwurst, is one our best smellers, I mean sellers. DISALVO Toilet paper that smells like Brockwurst. A novel idea. You know When we visited Poland I remember the toilet paper was like sandpaper. MONTIFORTE We’ve taken care of that Frank, we weaned Polish folks off their centuries old toilet paper that feels like speed bumps for a smoother feel. We call it Polish Over and Under Armor. And to complete our Old world scents we have and Irish scent called “Almost Velvet.” DISALVO Almost Velvet? MONTIFORTE I could go on and on Frank but I’ve got to use your rest room. DISALVO Well we hope your business takes off, I think our audience agrees, it will give you a reason to visit the bathroom more often. Let’s hear it for “The Inventor” Frank Montiforte.